Sunday, July 5, 2015

Epic Fail

Mommy experienced a cooking failure of massive proportions!  I don't think she's ever had something turn out this badly in my thirteen years.  Perhaps she had something worse in her first three years of marriage before I joined the family, but if so she's not telling me.

She has been dairy and wheat free for about ten weeks on doctor's orders to see if one of those foods could be the culprit for why she had one sinus infection after the other from Christmas through mid-April (when she started this elimination diet).  As soon as Mommy stopped eating dairy and then wheat two weeks later, she could tell a HUGE difference in her breathing abilities.  No more coughing or watery eyes.  Her food suspicions were confirmed last week when she went though allergy testing for the first time in at least twenty years.  It turns out Mommy is allergic to dairy, wheat, rye, soy, peanuts, almonds, and eggs!!  Good grief!  On the bright side, she isn't allergic to me or my sisters!  [major sigh of relief]  I guess she's not allergic to Daddy either.

It's been a long time since Mommy has been able to enjoy any baked treats, and with our family's birthday season approaching, she wanted to bake.  She decided she wanted brownies for the Fourth of July.  After looking at recipes online, she eventually decided to go with a gluten free brownie mix (by a major company she will not name) because who knows where to the buy xanthan gum listed in the recipes for weirdos that have endless allergies??  (Mommy, you do know you're one of those weirdos now, right?)

The mix required the addition of 1/4 cup butter and 2 eggs.  Mommy added her dairy free margarine.  She knows when baking it's best to use the real thing, but it was a box mix after all, so what was the harm, right?  She wanted to attempt to make the brownies egg free as well.  After researching all kinds of egg substitutes (did you know Egg Beaters still have eggs in them??), she went with one suggested for baking: 1 egg = 1 teaspoon of baking soda and 1 Tablespoon of vinegar.  Now, Mommy knows just enough science to know that mixture causes a mini volcano.  She was very careful and didn't make a mess.  When all of this was added together, it was a VERY dry mixture.  There was no way the mix could be spread in the pan.  So, Mommy decided she needed to add a touch of milk (the dairy free coconut variety) to the mix.  What could go wrong?

When mixed all together, she was quite pleased with the results.  She thought the batter tasted DELICIOUS!!!  And it didn't have raw eggs in it, so she could lick the bowl and beaters as much as she wanted!  (As if the threat of raw eggs as has ever stopped her before,)  She put the pan in the oven and set the timer for 28 minutes as directed.

When Mommy opened the door of the oven 28 minutes later, she started screaming.  The brownies had pretty much exploded in the pan and were dripping all over the bottom of the oven. Mommy threw another pan down below to quickly catch what she could.  Of course, the mix hitting the oven started burning and became quite pungent to the nose.  The batter was no where near baked and was sloshing all over as the rack was moved.  Mommy finally just turned off the oven and left the pan inside since it was too hot and messy to pick up.

It's too bad we don't have a picture of the "brownies" when Mommy finally removed them from the oven.  They were black on top, only a maximum of a half inch deep, and not fully cooked!  I can just hear Gordon Ramsey yelling, "THEY'RE RAW!"   Mommy took a spoon, scooped out as much as she could into the trash and then left the pan filled with water to soak.  Later, she had to turn the pan over and sit it down into another pan of water so the rim could soak as well.  If she had just let me take care of the pan, I could have saved her a few clean up steps.  Too bad it was a chocolate brownie mix!

I thought Mommy was going to cry.  She REALLY wanted those brownies!  It didn't help that Daddy was laughing a bit.  Mommy didn't let her epic fail get her down for long.  She went to the store and purchased this treat for herself instead!  It's not baked, but it is free of all her allergens!  And YUMMY too!  Or so she tells me.  At almost $6 for a pint, she's NOT sharing . . . with anyone!  (She eats only a tablespoon at a time to make it last!)
This fiasco was a lesson learned for Mommy . . . just go to the store and BUY something!  Or add real eggs!  Either way, let's hope she gets her act together before Daddy's birthday next week.

Crossing my paws,

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